You've landed the woman of your dreams. As improbable and even implausible as it may have seemed, you have finally gathered enough of her attention to claim her as your own, with the honor of being likewise claimed. Through your various conversations with others and what you've learned from past relationships, you know how awesome you are to have even seduced this woman in the first place. Now's your big chance: you finally have someone that you can treat like a queen while getting the attention you deserved from the only person you want it from.
But tensions rise. She begins to complain about that certain habit of yours. Must you pick your nose in public? Do you really have to wear that shirt every other day? Is it truly essential that you get your three hours of videogames in every single day, even at the expense of giving her attention? Worse, maybe she has a little habit of her own that, considering how it couldn't possibly perceived as anything short of infuriating (note the headaches, stress, and rashes it causes), it could not possible be ignored. She can really wait for you to finish what you're doing before she insists on taking all of your attention, for example. It could be that what you consider honest-to-God natural love and admiration translates as suffocation or obsession. Perhaps her innate quest for attention feels more like her being "needy." Maybe you two just aren't getting along: for no discernable reason, while you were simply enjoying your day off watching television, you said or did something (or didn't), and the next thing you know, you're exchanging flared nostrils and decibels at exasperated levels.
Although this doesn't appear in some relationships, it can also seem almost inevitable. From here, what's the next logical step? In some relationships the partners just allow it to fizzle out and die. Other couples would allow the candid exchange in perspectives to end the relationship right then and there. Still others tend to allow these situations to happen and ride out the relationship clear into an ulcer-inducing marriage complete with cynical prenuptials and premature balding. It could even simply be a seasonal occurrence contingent on ephemeral circumstances. Whatever the case, the eternal question remains: is there anything one could do in order to control the situation and leave less of the fate of your relationship to… fate?
One of the easily observed recurring problems in relationships that tend to cause a great number of its problems is misdirected blame placed on either party. Even conceptually, a relationship is a difficult, almost irrational attempt at an indefinite happiness, despite how mainstream this pursuit may be. The fact is, what people who attempt this are trying to do is find someone who they sync with so well that they could eventually bear to trust them with their lives; as their emotional infrastructure; to help rear their children effectively; to share finances and other important matters; to live with them; to sleep in the same bed, share the same food, go to the same places, and share the same family; and to limit their passionate interests (such as love, sex, attention, and priority) to one another respectively. This even looks difficult, but to implement it sounds almost transcendent. This is a whole lot to consider, and the influences of our media, society, and government alone play against it so dramatically, that a great deal of us go through the entirety of our lives without experiencing love or even a functional relationship just once.
Of course, there are also complications that accompany emotional baggage, personal complexes, misunderstandings, and influences from other people, such as a discrepancy with the woman's parents or the man's friends. Without even considering just how one would go about behaving in a relationship, it seems almost like a lost cause.
But, of course, it isn't. There are millions of people in millions of relationships right now, and although they may be difficult and dysfunctional, the very beauty in being with someone is that it isn't easy and it will take a great deal of time, effort, and energy. This way, it's almost unspoken that this person (outside of ulterior motives, which would inevitably make themselves apparent one way or another) cares about you so much that they are willing to go through all of these stresses just for the privilege of being with you. The point is: relationships are difficult, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the man or the woman is.
Indeed, this may seem like a contradiction, but the fact is that most people consider their lover difficult. Women do actually follow a general modus operandi though, and upon inspection of most of their inclinations, it could be considered rather logical.
For example, there is no straight man on earth that doesn't appreciate sexual attention on some level from a woman he's attracted to. Of course, not all men are the same and neither are all women, but if the man is indeed a heterosexual and finds a woman pleasing, it only makes sense that if she were to go out of her way to gratify him, he would appreciate it.
Let's say Susan is dating John, and John has a habit of looking at other women. Chances are, Susan would take offense, depending on to what degree he checked the other woman out; if he simply glanced in her direction, Susan may very well take a logical approach and either ignore it or even make light of it by teasing him. If, on the other hand, John sees a woman with large breasts, John is a breast man, and Susan has a moderate bust, we may very well have a problem.
It could be very possible that Susan received less attention than her peers for having, albeit more functional and practical, less noticeable breasts. There may have been a boy or two (especially in high school) that even neglected to notice her, but may have slept with a friend of hers that was considered prettier for the insignificant two inches greater on her bust. These feelings of rejection could be subconsciously resurrected and a sincere problem could ensue.
From John's end, as far as he was concerned, he was just taking a stroll with his girl and happened to glance at another woman. Yes, that girl had long hair and large breasts, but in his opinion, she also had a big nose and was dressed somewhat gaudily. In other words, she's nothing like what John truly appreciates (which would obviously be his lover, Susan), and he makes light of the situation and continues as if nothing happened at all.
Just minutes later, though, Susan is no longer enjoying the pleasant breeze within the nice neighborhood on this pretty spring day. Instead, she's questioning John in her head: Does he prefer a woman like that? Does he like a woman who dresses that way? Because I don't. My hair is nothing like hers, but it's obvious that he found her attractive. Does that mean that he's over me? Maybe he never really found me attractive at all?
While this may seem out-of-the-blue and irrational, there was much that occurred right then that most people never realize. As aforementioned, John is a "breast man". Colloquially, a "breast man" is a man who has an affinity for large breasts. Whether its origins are Oedipal, infantile, media-influenced, or simply an attraction to large, bulbous masses protruding disproportionately from a woman's body, they incite a response from John in one way or another. According to Desmond Morris in The Human Animal, when both a man and a woman see something that they find appealing or arousing, they physiologically react, whether or not they realize it. Likewise, when this reaction takes place, their counterparts may not cognitively take notice, but they usually subconsciously pick it up and this provokes responses, cogently and otherwise. In John's case, he may have smiled; or, he may have not reacted at all. But his nose may have flared and eyes dilated, as most people do when looking at something appealing. His eyes may have opened a fraction wider, one or both of his eyebrows may have slightly lifted, and he may have initiated a habit particular to him, such as biting his inner cheek or chewing on a nail, especially if he suppresses any natural, outright reaction that he would otherwise have (such as some sort of comment.) All this could have been picked up by Susan and this could cause her to deduce that John was moved in some way by the woman that he saw. Hence, it may not be altogether outrageous for her to become a little jealous or begin questioning herself or her adequacy. Especially when one takes into consideration her past experiences and how that may have developed into one complex or another, or influences by friends, or negative perspectives about men in our society, it is very easy to understand how this could spin out of control in a woman's head and result in some rather volatile responses from her. To make things even more complicated, she may realize the triviality of the situation and attempt to convince herself that it isn't as big a deal as her emotions are making it. This will only result in her reacting the same way, but with a delay that could end up confusing John, along with whatever response he would have once he understands what's going on.
The possibilities for this turning into a serious fight are endless. Confused, John may not even initially react. This could infuriate Susan, who would react accordingly and, disoriented, John would respond in turn. Once John finally understands the issue, he may himself become angry, especially if he's innocent, and this would only add to the frustration that accompanied his confusion. A tempestuous battle could ensue, and all resulting from a quick glance made by a man who regarded it with no more passion than he would if he glanced at a nice car passing them by.
Although this may seem like an unavoidable situation typical in so many relationships all resulting in frustration for both parties, it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. There are ways for a man to get out of this situation on a more positive note than what was presented above.
To begin with, heterosexual women like men. This has nothing to do with phallic symbols, penis envy, or even a liking for aggression, but rather the fact that their sexual orientation reflects that they regard masculinity as something they appreciate. This may seem confusing at first because women also want men with a degree of sensitivity and an understanding of emotion. To women, there's nothing wrong with a man crying, getting frustrated, or gushing about her, when appropriate.
Masculinity has been construed as some sort of domineering, "alpha-wolf", stoic attribute that renders a man insensitive, aggressive, and even apathetic. Accentuating on the effects of testosterone, masculinity is now defined by the presence of hair, certain body structures, and a concentration on physical inclinations (otherwise known as aggression and satyriasis). A man who considers himself masculine could even be neglectful to his woman, assuming that it's his male tendency to not care, "claim what's his", and stomp about, expecting all of the attention to be on him. Therefore, a man who cries, treats his woman exceptionally well, is sensitive, and complimentary is nothing short of a sissy, right?
Masculinity is defined in the dictionary as "having qualities traditionally ascribed to men, as strength and boldness." Doing what's expected of you and ignoring someone or something you claim to value is in no way strong or bold. Neither is ignoring your emotions nor pretentiously claiming that a natural response to something is beneath you.
The masculinity that women refer to is actually a characteristic that has a man withstand situations gracefully, pay attention to the needs of others, and keep his cool when he's attacked. To a woman, a man who isn't afraid of how he feels, who can express himself and deal with her expressing herself, who is honest in his intentions, and above all, can remain calm when even she can't, is the most attractive.
Women are complicated beings. So many things seem misunderstood and it's hard to differentiate between things that you should already know and what's particular to a woman that you have to learn. Speaking to a woman is rather easy, though, and coming to terms with what they want isn't as difficult as it sounds either. Recently, I interviewed a young lady named Ariel Robinson, and her insights proved profound.
The first question I asked her was whether or not she's argumentative. As far as she's concerned, she's not; on the other hand, she wants the last word – every time: "Oh, I don't have to have the last word, but it's good that I do. I mean, I'll let it go, if I have to, to be the bigger person, but just know that I want the last word." This sounds almost competitive, as if arguing were a sort of sport in which there could actually be a winner. Subsequently, I asked her if she enjoyed arguing. Her response was as follows: "It's funny sometimes. I mean, I can't help it, it's hilarious. I mean, I say something, he's like 'I didn't mean to!', and I mean, it was totally ridiculous, but hell, it was funny. I totally won that argument." Does this mean that she loves to fight? Like most women, she believes there's a difference.
"I believe there's a small difference [between a fight and an argument]. In an argument, you're just throwing words, back and forth. In a fight, you're throwing… stuff. You're packing shit, you're calling people, screaming, calling people out of their name, I mean… the whole nine. A fight is bad." So I asked her how to avoid a fight while still being able to argue, since she could obviously appreciate a good argument from time to time. She said, "Well, it's easy. [My boyfriend] is my best friend. So, if we get into a fight, it's not like a 'normal person's' fight. I mean, I wont tell him something like 'I hate you' or whatever, because I don't. I'd just want to talk to him, we should be able to talk about anything. Well, from time to time, a fight will happen, but for the most part, it's just not worth it."
But she admitted that it could be easy to upset her if the person means anything to her. Something small or trivial might hurt her feelings, but she asserts that it's easily resolved. I asked her what the best way was to calm her down. She said "Make me laugh. I don't want to be in the fight for long, I just kinda want to get it out of my system. Then I want to laugh. We should start dance-fighting." Imagine: she says that one thing that pushes that big red button or you commit that simple infraction that transforms her from radiant beauty to raging beast and the two of you proceed into your room, closet, and retrieve the bangles, feathers, and loincloths. Initiate the Capoeira, complete with windmills, roundhouses, tabletops, and other dangerous spins and turns named after large fixtures and furniture. Sounds far more constructive than yelling and throwing things (such as furniture) across the room.
So when is it most difficult to forgive or calm her down? She said that it would have to be when she's suspicious. According to Arielle, she'd take pieces of this or that situation and fill in the blanks with her own assumptions. But, apparently, realizing the difficulty she's having with the situation and calmly setting her straight is an easy way to get back on her good side.
How does masculinity apply to all this? Ostensibly, the woman wants a great deal of control and understanding. Well, when I asked her about her feelings about it, she responded with "Masculine, what do you mean, like real masculine men, like football players and all that? Ugh, no, I mean, [my boyfriend] is an athlete, sure, he runs track, but he isn't… like that. Ugh, no, God. I don't think they're very attractive. They're too muscly… most of them probably beat their wives… I mean, they're always on the road, they're never home, you just can't trust people like that!" So then I asked her to define masculinity. "Negatively, you're quick-tempered. You don't listen, you don't wanna say anything, you want to do whatever you want. You don't want to seem like you can be broken. I guess that's more like – a trend. But when you find someone genuinely masculine… like [my boyfriend] isn't too loud, he isn't too overbearing, he's just quiet and honest and… seems like he's gonna be a good man."
"And what's a good man?"
"That certain kinda... love. It's just great. You're gonna help me, give me that support, understand, you're just gonna be… that really good man."
"How do you react to aggression?"
"It scares me, and I don't like to be scared. [My boyfriend] scared me the other day, and I didn't even know what emotion to express. I mean, I got mad, it just wasn't okay."
"So, do you prefer a passionate or stoic man?"
"Passionate."
"Just not aggressive? Like, running in place as opposed to running down the block?"
"No, I mean… like, take sex. It doesn't have to be aggressive, where you're grabbing and saying 'move over this way! Go over there!' I mean… it's like… it's just good. Like, you just have to curse in front of them, because it was just that good."
What makes a man "good"? How does one go about differentiating themselves from the others, in that they'd stick out in the minds of their women no matter the inevitable mistakes that they've made? Masculinity apparently plays a role, as well as being understanding, patient, and more than willing to put a woman in their place. In Barber Shop, a man with cornrows explained that one of the major things that turns a woman on about a man is his willingness to "Lay down the Pimp Hand on Jesus Christ Himself…", and in What Women Want, sincerity, talent, and confidence is what seems to magnetize women the most effectively. But the one element that will ascertain that a woman will tell her daughters, or even her granddaughters about you as a man she will never forget, whether or not she remains with you, is the Grand Gesture. The Grand Gesture is that one simple act (implemented anywhere between monthly to biannually) that confirms everything that a woman vies for out of a relationship: compassion, thoughtfulness, sweetness, and intuitiveness. At the same time, it leaves them something to hold on to that will confirm what you did every single time she sees it or picks it up. Last, it reflects so many concepts that a woman finds important, such as "knowing" her, "understanding" her, and "making her happy." How is this possible?
A close friend of mine, PaTreshena, tells me of a Grand Gesture she experienced once from an ex-boyfriend of hers, Johnny.
"He surprised me. My school was thirty miles away from his house, like, the next city over. Now, he and I had been fighting and fighting, and we had gotten to the point that we didn't even want to talk to each other. Well, when I got out of class and got back to my room, he called me. He was really normal, no fighting, nothing. He was asking me what I was doing and all this – he had probably watched me go inside. He began asking me to come downstairs and I was like 'what the hell?' He was insistent, so I was like 'uh, alright'. As I quickly tried to do myself up and fix my hair, he snuck up another stairwell and surprised me as I walked outside. I ran downstairs and hugged him for like, fifteen minutes. He was dressed well and kept telling me how much he loved me and how he didn't want to fight anymore." Then she sighed contentedly.
"That really made you feel good, huh?" I asked her.
"Well… yeah." And she hasn't been with Johnny in years.
It could be anything. Just as easily as it was driving thirty miles in a suit, it could be a magnetized poetry set, as it was with Arielle. Perhaps, it could be waiting outside for three hours, walking for ten miles, or buying dinner from an Indian restaurant as I did for my current girlfriend. Whatever it is, you, dear reader, must find it for yourself, through knowing, understanding, and most of all, loving your woman. And this is, beyond all, the most important thing you must do for that incredible, wonderful, beautiful "woman of your dreams."
~ P
But tensions rise. She begins to complain about that certain habit of yours. Must you pick your nose in public? Do you really have to wear that shirt every other day? Is it truly essential that you get your three hours of videogames in every single day, even at the expense of giving her attention? Worse, maybe she has a little habit of her own that, considering how it couldn't possibly perceived as anything short of infuriating (note the headaches, stress, and rashes it causes), it could not possible be ignored. She can really wait for you to finish what you're doing before she insists on taking all of your attention, for example. It could be that what you consider honest-to-God natural love and admiration translates as suffocation or obsession. Perhaps her innate quest for attention feels more like her being "needy." Maybe you two just aren't getting along: for no discernable reason, while you were simply enjoying your day off watching television, you said or did something (or didn't), and the next thing you know, you're exchanging flared nostrils and decibels at exasperated levels.
Although this doesn't appear in some relationships, it can also seem almost inevitable. From here, what's the next logical step? In some relationships the partners just allow it to fizzle out and die. Other couples would allow the candid exchange in perspectives to end the relationship right then and there. Still others tend to allow these situations to happen and ride out the relationship clear into an ulcer-inducing marriage complete with cynical prenuptials and premature balding. It could even simply be a seasonal occurrence contingent on ephemeral circumstances. Whatever the case, the eternal question remains: is there anything one could do in order to control the situation and leave less of the fate of your relationship to… fate?
One of the easily observed recurring problems in relationships that tend to cause a great number of its problems is misdirected blame placed on either party. Even conceptually, a relationship is a difficult, almost irrational attempt at an indefinite happiness, despite how mainstream this pursuit may be. The fact is, what people who attempt this are trying to do is find someone who they sync with so well that they could eventually bear to trust them with their lives; as their emotional infrastructure; to help rear their children effectively; to share finances and other important matters; to live with them; to sleep in the same bed, share the same food, go to the same places, and share the same family; and to limit their passionate interests (such as love, sex, attention, and priority) to one another respectively. This even looks difficult, but to implement it sounds almost transcendent. This is a whole lot to consider, and the influences of our media, society, and government alone play against it so dramatically, that a great deal of us go through the entirety of our lives without experiencing love or even a functional relationship just once.
Of course, there are also complications that accompany emotional baggage, personal complexes, misunderstandings, and influences from other people, such as a discrepancy with the woman's parents or the man's friends. Without even considering just how one would go about behaving in a relationship, it seems almost like a lost cause.
But, of course, it isn't. There are millions of people in millions of relationships right now, and although they may be difficult and dysfunctional, the very beauty in being with someone is that it isn't easy and it will take a great deal of time, effort, and energy. This way, it's almost unspoken that this person (outside of ulterior motives, which would inevitably make themselves apparent one way or another) cares about you so much that they are willing to go through all of these stresses just for the privilege of being with you. The point is: relationships are difficult, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the man or the woman is.
Indeed, this may seem like a contradiction, but the fact is that most people consider their lover difficult. Women do actually follow a general modus operandi though, and upon inspection of most of their inclinations, it could be considered rather logical.
For example, there is no straight man on earth that doesn't appreciate sexual attention on some level from a woman he's attracted to. Of course, not all men are the same and neither are all women, but if the man is indeed a heterosexual and finds a woman pleasing, it only makes sense that if she were to go out of her way to gratify him, he would appreciate it.
Let's say Susan is dating John, and John has a habit of looking at other women. Chances are, Susan would take offense, depending on to what degree he checked the other woman out; if he simply glanced in her direction, Susan may very well take a logical approach and either ignore it or even make light of it by teasing him. If, on the other hand, John sees a woman with large breasts, John is a breast man, and Susan has a moderate bust, we may very well have a problem.
It could be very possible that Susan received less attention than her peers for having, albeit more functional and practical, less noticeable breasts. There may have been a boy or two (especially in high school) that even neglected to notice her, but may have slept with a friend of hers that was considered prettier for the insignificant two inches greater on her bust. These feelings of rejection could be subconsciously resurrected and a sincere problem could ensue.
From John's end, as far as he was concerned, he was just taking a stroll with his girl and happened to glance at another woman. Yes, that girl had long hair and large breasts, but in his opinion, she also had a big nose and was dressed somewhat gaudily. In other words, she's nothing like what John truly appreciates (which would obviously be his lover, Susan), and he makes light of the situation and continues as if nothing happened at all.
Just minutes later, though, Susan is no longer enjoying the pleasant breeze within the nice neighborhood on this pretty spring day. Instead, she's questioning John in her head: Does he prefer a woman like that? Does he like a woman who dresses that way? Because I don't. My hair is nothing like hers, but it's obvious that he found her attractive. Does that mean that he's over me? Maybe he never really found me attractive at all?
While this may seem out-of-the-blue and irrational, there was much that occurred right then that most people never realize. As aforementioned, John is a "breast man". Colloquially, a "breast man" is a man who has an affinity for large breasts. Whether its origins are Oedipal, infantile, media-influenced, or simply an attraction to large, bulbous masses protruding disproportionately from a woman's body, they incite a response from John in one way or another. According to Desmond Morris in The Human Animal, when both a man and a woman see something that they find appealing or arousing, they physiologically react, whether or not they realize it. Likewise, when this reaction takes place, their counterparts may not cognitively take notice, but they usually subconsciously pick it up and this provokes responses, cogently and otherwise. In John's case, he may have smiled; or, he may have not reacted at all. But his nose may have flared and eyes dilated, as most people do when looking at something appealing. His eyes may have opened a fraction wider, one or both of his eyebrows may have slightly lifted, and he may have initiated a habit particular to him, such as biting his inner cheek or chewing on a nail, especially if he suppresses any natural, outright reaction that he would otherwise have (such as some sort of comment.) All this could have been picked up by Susan and this could cause her to deduce that John was moved in some way by the woman that he saw. Hence, it may not be altogether outrageous for her to become a little jealous or begin questioning herself or her adequacy. Especially when one takes into consideration her past experiences and how that may have developed into one complex or another, or influences by friends, or negative perspectives about men in our society, it is very easy to understand how this could spin out of control in a woman's head and result in some rather volatile responses from her. To make things even more complicated, she may realize the triviality of the situation and attempt to convince herself that it isn't as big a deal as her emotions are making it. This will only result in her reacting the same way, but with a delay that could end up confusing John, along with whatever response he would have once he understands what's going on.
The possibilities for this turning into a serious fight are endless. Confused, John may not even initially react. This could infuriate Susan, who would react accordingly and, disoriented, John would respond in turn. Once John finally understands the issue, he may himself become angry, especially if he's innocent, and this would only add to the frustration that accompanied his confusion. A tempestuous battle could ensue, and all resulting from a quick glance made by a man who regarded it with no more passion than he would if he glanced at a nice car passing them by.
Although this may seem like an unavoidable situation typical in so many relationships all resulting in frustration for both parties, it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. There are ways for a man to get out of this situation on a more positive note than what was presented above.
To begin with, heterosexual women like men. This has nothing to do with phallic symbols, penis envy, or even a liking for aggression, but rather the fact that their sexual orientation reflects that they regard masculinity as something they appreciate. This may seem confusing at first because women also want men with a degree of sensitivity and an understanding of emotion. To women, there's nothing wrong with a man crying, getting frustrated, or gushing about her, when appropriate.
Masculinity has been construed as some sort of domineering, "alpha-wolf", stoic attribute that renders a man insensitive, aggressive, and even apathetic. Accentuating on the effects of testosterone, masculinity is now defined by the presence of hair, certain body structures, and a concentration on physical inclinations (otherwise known as aggression and satyriasis). A man who considers himself masculine could even be neglectful to his woman, assuming that it's his male tendency to not care, "claim what's his", and stomp about, expecting all of the attention to be on him. Therefore, a man who cries, treats his woman exceptionally well, is sensitive, and complimentary is nothing short of a sissy, right?
Masculinity is defined in the dictionary as "having qualities traditionally ascribed to men, as strength and boldness." Doing what's expected of you and ignoring someone or something you claim to value is in no way strong or bold. Neither is ignoring your emotions nor pretentiously claiming that a natural response to something is beneath you.
The masculinity that women refer to is actually a characteristic that has a man withstand situations gracefully, pay attention to the needs of others, and keep his cool when he's attacked. To a woman, a man who isn't afraid of how he feels, who can express himself and deal with her expressing herself, who is honest in his intentions, and above all, can remain calm when even she can't, is the most attractive.
Women are complicated beings. So many things seem misunderstood and it's hard to differentiate between things that you should already know and what's particular to a woman that you have to learn. Speaking to a woman is rather easy, though, and coming to terms with what they want isn't as difficult as it sounds either. Recently, I interviewed a young lady named Ariel Robinson, and her insights proved profound.
The first question I asked her was whether or not she's argumentative. As far as she's concerned, she's not; on the other hand, she wants the last word – every time: "Oh, I don't have to have the last word, but it's good that I do. I mean, I'll let it go, if I have to, to be the bigger person, but just know that I want the last word." This sounds almost competitive, as if arguing were a sort of sport in which there could actually be a winner. Subsequently, I asked her if she enjoyed arguing. Her response was as follows: "It's funny sometimes. I mean, I can't help it, it's hilarious. I mean, I say something, he's like 'I didn't mean to!', and I mean, it was totally ridiculous, but hell, it was funny. I totally won that argument." Does this mean that she loves to fight? Like most women, she believes there's a difference.
"I believe there's a small difference [between a fight and an argument]. In an argument, you're just throwing words, back and forth. In a fight, you're throwing… stuff. You're packing shit, you're calling people, screaming, calling people out of their name, I mean… the whole nine. A fight is bad." So I asked her how to avoid a fight while still being able to argue, since she could obviously appreciate a good argument from time to time. She said, "Well, it's easy. [My boyfriend] is my best friend. So, if we get into a fight, it's not like a 'normal person's' fight. I mean, I wont tell him something like 'I hate you' or whatever, because I don't. I'd just want to talk to him, we should be able to talk about anything. Well, from time to time, a fight will happen, but for the most part, it's just not worth it."
But she admitted that it could be easy to upset her if the person means anything to her. Something small or trivial might hurt her feelings, but she asserts that it's easily resolved. I asked her what the best way was to calm her down. She said "Make me laugh. I don't want to be in the fight for long, I just kinda want to get it out of my system. Then I want to laugh. We should start dance-fighting." Imagine: she says that one thing that pushes that big red button or you commit that simple infraction that transforms her from radiant beauty to raging beast and the two of you proceed into your room, closet, and retrieve the bangles, feathers, and loincloths. Initiate the Capoeira, complete with windmills, roundhouses, tabletops, and other dangerous spins and turns named after large fixtures and furniture. Sounds far more constructive than yelling and throwing things (such as furniture) across the room.
So when is it most difficult to forgive or calm her down? She said that it would have to be when she's suspicious. According to Arielle, she'd take pieces of this or that situation and fill in the blanks with her own assumptions. But, apparently, realizing the difficulty she's having with the situation and calmly setting her straight is an easy way to get back on her good side.
How does masculinity apply to all this? Ostensibly, the woman wants a great deal of control and understanding. Well, when I asked her about her feelings about it, she responded with "Masculine, what do you mean, like real masculine men, like football players and all that? Ugh, no, I mean, [my boyfriend] is an athlete, sure, he runs track, but he isn't… like that. Ugh, no, God. I don't think they're very attractive. They're too muscly… most of them probably beat their wives… I mean, they're always on the road, they're never home, you just can't trust people like that!" So then I asked her to define masculinity. "Negatively, you're quick-tempered. You don't listen, you don't wanna say anything, you want to do whatever you want. You don't want to seem like you can be broken. I guess that's more like – a trend. But when you find someone genuinely masculine… like [my boyfriend] isn't too loud, he isn't too overbearing, he's just quiet and honest and… seems like he's gonna be a good man."
"And what's a good man?"
"That certain kinda... love. It's just great. You're gonna help me, give me that support, understand, you're just gonna be… that really good man."
"How do you react to aggression?"
"It scares me, and I don't like to be scared. [My boyfriend] scared me the other day, and I didn't even know what emotion to express. I mean, I got mad, it just wasn't okay."
"So, do you prefer a passionate or stoic man?"
"Passionate."
"Just not aggressive? Like, running in place as opposed to running down the block?"
"No, I mean… like, take sex. It doesn't have to be aggressive, where you're grabbing and saying 'move over this way! Go over there!' I mean… it's like… it's just good. Like, you just have to curse in front of them, because it was just that good."
What makes a man "good"? How does one go about differentiating themselves from the others, in that they'd stick out in the minds of their women no matter the inevitable mistakes that they've made? Masculinity apparently plays a role, as well as being understanding, patient, and more than willing to put a woman in their place. In Barber Shop, a man with cornrows explained that one of the major things that turns a woman on about a man is his willingness to "Lay down the Pimp Hand on Jesus Christ Himself…", and in What Women Want, sincerity, talent, and confidence is what seems to magnetize women the most effectively. But the one element that will ascertain that a woman will tell her daughters, or even her granddaughters about you as a man she will never forget, whether or not she remains with you, is the Grand Gesture. The Grand Gesture is that one simple act (implemented anywhere between monthly to biannually) that confirms everything that a woman vies for out of a relationship: compassion, thoughtfulness, sweetness, and intuitiveness. At the same time, it leaves them something to hold on to that will confirm what you did every single time she sees it or picks it up. Last, it reflects so many concepts that a woman finds important, such as "knowing" her, "understanding" her, and "making her happy." How is this possible?
A close friend of mine, PaTreshena, tells me of a Grand Gesture she experienced once from an ex-boyfriend of hers, Johnny.
"He surprised me. My school was thirty miles away from his house, like, the next city over. Now, he and I had been fighting and fighting, and we had gotten to the point that we didn't even want to talk to each other. Well, when I got out of class and got back to my room, he called me. He was really normal, no fighting, nothing. He was asking me what I was doing and all this – he had probably watched me go inside. He began asking me to come downstairs and I was like 'what the hell?' He was insistent, so I was like 'uh, alright'. As I quickly tried to do myself up and fix my hair, he snuck up another stairwell and surprised me as I walked outside. I ran downstairs and hugged him for like, fifteen minutes. He was dressed well and kept telling me how much he loved me and how he didn't want to fight anymore." Then she sighed contentedly.
"That really made you feel good, huh?" I asked her.
"Well… yeah." And she hasn't been with Johnny in years.
It could be anything. Just as easily as it was driving thirty miles in a suit, it could be a magnetized poetry set, as it was with Arielle. Perhaps, it could be waiting outside for three hours, walking for ten miles, or buying dinner from an Indian restaurant as I did for my current girlfriend. Whatever it is, you, dear reader, must find it for yourself, through knowing, understanding, and most of all, loving your woman. And this is, beyond all, the most important thing you must do for that incredible, wonderful, beautiful "woman of your dreams."
~ P
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